I Feel Used

Searching for the perfect used vehicle? Frustrated dealing with the scum of the earth on Craigslist?

Look no further! I have the perfect car for you!

This car has everything: check engine light, visible damage, high pitched noise while running… she’s got it all!

You say you want:

High miles? Check

Torn leather driver’s seat? Check

Non-existent air conditioning? Check

Useless sunroof? Check

This hot mess has been waiting for Y OH U.

Why am I selling such a blessing, such a hot hunk of metal, you ask? I couldn’t take care of her the way she wanted, the way she needed… because honestly, I never liked her.

She was thrust upon me by a self-absorbed ex-boyfriend who, besides being an idiot that didn’t know how to inspect a used car, wanted me to be seen as a tame suburban housewife, but I couldn’t abide. I’m an out of control, hot, sexy MILF (Mother I’d Like to Feed). Sure, I’m chubby and I don’t have kids, but don’t judge me… a girl needs butter and chocolate and to be free of commitments.

I never wanted to drive a Volvo… a name that closely resembled parts of a woman’s vagina… that’s not sexy. What’s sexy is having a car that’s reliable but doesn’t say “I’m boring and a moron.” But hey, that’s just me, don’t let that stop you from driving it.

If all this hasn’t yet tempted you yet, check out these features:

She starts.

Brand new tires, sorta.

New oil pan (whatever the fuck that is).

New car smell – if the new car was fourteen years old.

I haven’t farted in it in at least a week because I stopped being a fuckin’ vegan.

Whatever is stuck between the seats and the console is your to keep!

This car will give you hours and hours of asking yourself why you bought it, only to be reminded that it’s a status symbol of true suburban mediocrity.

But wait, there’s more! If you buy it in the next 10 minutes, I’ll throw in The Club (remember those useless pieces crap?) It’s an Eighties icon, you’ll be the talk of the town!

Call now before it’s gone: 1-800-I’m a lonely piece of shit.

 

21 Comments on “I Feel Used

  1. Hehehe! You should be selling ice to the Inuit with that pitch.

    p.s. a friend of mine used to use The Club. For his second-hand, American-made minivan. Really hard to keep a straight face while waiting for him to use it every time we went somewhere.

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  2. Sounds like you and that car really have something special… no, “special” was the wrong word… oh yeah, “abysmal”…

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  3. Well, for what it’s worth, we’re all a little used. . . (Good luck with your sale)

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  4. oh my god, this made me remember how much i farted during my vegan years–especially when i switched to drinking soy milk. thankfully, i was single & living alone at the time.
    (oh, & good post 😀 )

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I came to WP for a bit of solace after searching for seat covers for my ’92 Saab Turbo convertible. I throw that Turbo word around just to make it sound all elite. Just let me tell you, she goes fast, looks fab from the outside, but inside is another story. So, I am quite miffed that you did not divulge the state of your car seats. Are they made of leather that’s been torn in the very special way that only old leather seats can tear? I need more info here. Looking for decent seat covers just about did me in, but reading this restored at least a bit of my sense of humor. P.S. If you want a riveting viewing experience, just pull up a half decent car seat installation guide on YouTube. I promise it will be an experience. Notice I didn’t say what kind of experience. I don’t want to spoil it for you.

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  6. Chuck in some dubious seat stains and a couple of them fish stickers on the back you’ll flog it in no time.

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