I Feel Used
Searching for the perfect used vehicle? Frustrated dealing with the scum of the earth on Craigslist?
Look no further! I have the perfect car for you!
This car has everything: check engine light, visible damage, high pitched noise while running… she’s got it all!
You say you want:
High miles? Check
Torn leather driver’s seat? Check
Non-existent air conditioning? Check
Useless sunroof? Check
This hot mess has been waiting for Y OH U.
Why am I selling such a blessing, such a hot hunk of metal, you ask? I couldn’t take care of her the way she wanted, the way she needed… because honestly, I never liked her.
She was thrust upon me by a self-absorbed ex-boyfriend who, besides being an idiot that didn’t know how to inspect a used car, wanted me to be seen as a tame suburban housewife, but I couldn’t abide. I’m an out of control, hot, sexy MILF (Mother I’d Like to Feed). Sure, I’m chubby and I don’t have kids, but don’t judge me… a girl needs butter and chocolate and to be free of commitments.
I never wanted to drive a Volvo… a name that closely resembled parts of a woman’s vagina… that’s not sexy. What’s sexy is having a car that’s reliable but doesn’t say “I’m boring and a moron.” But hey, that’s just me, don’t let that stop you from driving it.
If all this hasn’t yet tempted you yet, check out these features:
Brand new tires, sorta.
New oil pan (whatever the fuck that is).
New car smell – if the new car was fourteen years old.
I haven’t farted in it in at least a week because I stopped being a fuckin’ vegan.
Whatever is stuck between the seats and the console is your to keep!
This car will give you hours and hours of asking yourself why you bought it, only to be reminded that it’s a status symbol of true suburban mediocrity.
But wait, there’s more! If you buy it in the next 10 minutes, I’ll throw in The Club (remember those useless pieces crap?) It’s an Eighties icon, you’ll be the talk of the town!
Call now before it’s gone: 1-800-I’m a lonely piece of shit.