Ruler

You’re probably thinking I’m gonna talk about two very important events that took place this past week, the first one being Halloween, because we had a full moon Halloween night for the first time in like, forty something years, and the second one, being the election. Typically, I would take on such relevant topics but…

I didn’t care about Halloween this year because it was way too easy. Normally, I have to come up with some complicated ruse to get candy since I don’t have kids and don’t wanna come off like I’m some lame adult trying to pilfer candy from children.

But since no adults were doling it out because of COVID-19, they opted to set it out in bowls on their front porches, which meant I could just grab handfuls of it. Luckily I was wearing a mask and couldn’t be identified. Plus, I was bigger than any of the trick-or-treaters, easily beating them to the good stuff. Oh c’mon, only a few of them cried and they were sore losers.

Speaking of sore losers… the only thing I have to say about the election since the results aren’t in yet is, I’ve never taken so much delight biting into the orange filling of a Butterfinger.

I have a much more pressing issue to discuss anyway: Rules

Rules are important in many ways. For example, they’re put into place for things like preventing unnecessary accidents, preserving order in society (except when it comes to Halloween), and keeping things pleasant for me. 

When I see people break the rules, it really cracks my moonbeam. Why do some people believe they’re above the law? Why do they think rules should apply to everyone but them? I’ve pondered these questions many times over and the only answer I could come up with is that there is an error in their thinking. 

Okay, to be honest, that’s really not the only answer I could come up with, I came up with a bunch of other answers, some of them being:

But then I started to wonder if maybe I was being too judge-y. I mean, perhaps these people have a good reason for flippantly ignoring the law to their own benefit. For instance, um… for instance… uh, let’s see here… hmm… well, I’d be open to suggestions.

Anyway, the other day on my hike, I see this dog come running down the trail. No leash, out of control, and then proceeding to jump on me, apparently really happy to see me. I wish I could say the same. Needless to say, the owner did not have it on a leash, which is breaking the rules. 

How selfish, right?

Well, let’s not jump to conclusions. I mean, I kinda get it. Dog owners who allow their dogs to run freely in public, truly believe their doggy would never do anything to harm someone because their doggy is the prettiest, friendliest, most bestest doggy in the whole wide world, and everyone should just shut up and tolerate it, because otherwise, you’re just a big meanie who doesn’t love dogs!

It’s all about which perspective you take.

The owner was too busy yapping on his cell phone to notice the fearful expression on my face as his dog charged towards me, making it unclear whether it was going to bite my face off or lick me, neither of which would’ve been appreciated.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good lick, just not by a strange, hairy beast. Okay, there was that one guy; he was Greek, which I’m normally repulsed by, but he promised there would be no back-door action, just lots of licking. Come to think of it, he was an awful licker. I got the impression he didn’t really enjoy pita the way he initially professed, which became quite apparent when I saw the way he mouthed his kebab at lunch!

ahem…

Anyway, as I shoved the doggy off me, I was waiting for his owner to say something, like an apology or please excuse my dog, or something like that… but he didn’t. I would’ve let the entire situation run off of me like water off a dog’s ass if he had acknowledged the situation, but he ignored the whole thing.

So then I needed to say something, and immediately sized him up; you can never be too sure how someone’s going to react. Luckily he was on the short side, but still, I needed to match the size of his ignorance, which was pretty big, so I decided to puff myself up…  you know, like a puffer fish. Have you seen those? They’re able to puff themselves up to twice their original size when threatened… so that’s what I did, I got really puffy. It was amazing how puffy I got, I normally don’t get this puffy unless I eat a lot of dairy!

Then using my calm stadium voice, I said: “You know, it’s really intimidating coming across a strange dog that’s off-leash and not under its owner’s control and I’m only telling you this in a calm manner because the last thing I want is for two people to be intimidated, rather than just one… get it?!!” 

It was dead quiet outside and it was at that moment I discovered my calm stadium voice carries a lot more than I initially thought. The frightened look on his face let me know my subtle message was heard, and he squeaked out a barely audible apology. His dog ran away so I assumed it already got the message. 

Then I harrumphed because harrumphing lets the opposition know you’re superior to them and that the battle was won (plus, it released all that air I used puffing myself up). I come from a long line of harrumphers on my mother’s side; she was British, so that makes us pretty superior. Then I stomped away, sort of like I do on my Anger Hike.

I felt quite proud for standing up for what was right because one can never be too right… right?