Smells Like Man Spirit

Posted byClever GirlPosted infunny, Funny Blog, humor, sarcasm, SatireTags:, , , , , , , , , ,

I wish I had the luxury of self-confidence that men have.

You know, the kind that comes with living in a patriarchal society where you can behave anyway you want, anytime you want and flaunt a negative aspect of yourself without any blowback.

You can be the biggest crook, or jerk, or aggressive, or narcissistic, or selfish, or a total weenie, or sooooo not fucking funny, and still get away with it because you’re a man (mainly a white man, but any man, really).

Our president is the perfect example of this.

You’re a “bro”, dude! You’re part of that special group of human species where you can get away with practically anything. You can guzzle beer and vape and grow a beard on your face that looks like a mountain goat’s ass and still get a promotion because no one is gonna look down on you. That’s because you’re already above the glass ceiling.

You can have an enormous gut spilling over the top of your pants, and you’ll still think you’re hot shit because society won’t judge you like they would a woman with the same physique.

It’s not self-confidence more than it is hubris, ignorance, and flat out blind to just how privileged men are. Not that I want to have any of those character defects, but still, I like the idea that if I were to have them, I wouldn’t be judged for having them while simultaneously being called a bitch or a cunt.

Being called a whore would be alright though.

Hubris.

Like this guy, who I don’t even really know, asked me out on a date the other day, through social media, which, by the way, is not the way a proper whore wants to be asked out on a date. He has no car (which he posted about on Facebook), but that didn’t give him pause; he still had the hubris to ask me out. Naturally it would imply that I would need to pick him up for our date if I agreed to one, which I would not… ever.

Okay, in all fairness, I was without a car last week and posted about it on Facebook, so he probably saw it and said “Eureka! I found my soul mate!” Or maybe I should say “sole mate” as we’d probably be walking.

Hahahahaha… hahahaha…. aha… aha… ha… ahem, sorry.

Who asks someone out on a date when you have no car and live in the suburbs? How are you supposed to get around, bus? Bicycle? Okay, there’s Uber but then it left me wondering if he would ask me to pay half. The guy works as a barista too. Not a bad occupation if you’re in your twenties. I mean, you can hardly support yourself on that wage, much less be on the dating scene.

I’m not knocking the guy for his lifestyle, but… wait, I am knocking him for his lifestyle, and why shouldn’t I? He asks me out when he doesn’t have any transportation and nothing to show he has more to offer; he doesn’t even know me and is probably making all kinds of assumptions about me based on my Facebook postings, which is what I’m doing with him right now, but never mind that, let me finish my point…

My point is… my point is…

Oh yes, my point is that he assumed a woman would just accept him and his situation without demanding he try harder. He’s a man, he doesn’t have to try harder so why wouldn’t he just put himself out there? No matter how he comes across, society won’t hold him accountable. He’ll probably get a back slap, a high-five, and a “Hey buddy, good job for trying!” from his beer-swilling man friends!

He would be better off focusing on improving his situation before seeking out dates, but men don’t have to think twice about that before hitting on a girl because they’re the cat’s dinner no matter what their situation is… at least, in their own minds.

My reply to him was “I’m going to say no, but thanks.” and then I was irritated that I felt the need to soften my bluntness by adding that “thanks” at the end because I wasn’t even thankful he asked me out! But I didn’t want to be thought of as a bitch or a cunt or a whore because I rejected him. 

Have something to offer besides just your bro-ness and the need to get laid, for fuck’s sake. And shave those hideous beards while you’re at it. There’s food stuck in there!

Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

34 thoughts on “Smells Like Man Spirit”

  1. OK guys …. Katya is a sweet loving and sexy woman. Just ah … just, stay away from her for a couple of days so she can cool down.

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  6. Thank you for making me value my marriage even more than I already do.
    And I totally agree. The white male privilege, double standard thing is even more glaring when trying to date past your 20’s. My, in her early 50’s, girlfriend is recently divorced and having a miserable time of it. Beer belly? Bald? Broke? Still a catch… but if a woman has a few extra pounds? Forget about it. Men with grey hair? Aging gracefully and distinguished. Women with grey hair? Crone.
    Rant away…. I get it.

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  9. A friend of mine shared a cartoon with me this morning. A man is on bended knee before a woman. He is holding a gift up for her. She says “A dozen red roses. They’re so beautiful! I love them.” They weren’t red roses. They were little red flags.

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  10. I was with a gay friend of mine at a concert recently. We both lost partners and have no interest in further serious relationships. He, unlike me, is still interested in sex though. He asked me if I was interested in having a man around for the companionship aspect. Without too much thinking I said – “Well, now that I’m no longer interested in fucking them, I don’t see any point to spending time around heterosexual men.” I thought he was gonna die laughing. But seriously though, I’d be better off with a dog, for companionship. Dogs are loyal, ask for very little, are always happy to do whatever you want to do, and are excited when you come home. And let’s not forget – dogs are trainable. Why not get a dog, Clever Girl?

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  13. I was reading an article about this a few days ago, about how women who are more heavy set are paid a lot less money and usually don’t get promotions like their skinnier counterparts. If you are overweight, you’re considered lazy I guess. Grey hair, you’re too old. Ah, fuck um…..not literally. Ew, most men are pigs. After working at Life Labs one summer and seeing how many diseases are going around the general population, I’ll stay single, thanks. I’m with you though, if a man does not have a job and a car forget it. He probably has a baby micro penis.

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  15. It’s the testosterone. It gives us the man stink and the false bravado to overcome any weaknesses. They sell it in bottles — give it a try. You’ll probably be able to grow your own food beard. Might look like shit, but you will never starve. Men get judged by “society” but women are much more willing to take a “fixer-upper” and men just want partners who are showroom ready… That’s my theory on why you don’t see a lot of fat, sloppy gay guys…

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