Personal Ad

Bright eyed, good looking, middle aged woman with increasing waistline looking for workout partner to help with weight loss. Totally platonic, no exceptions. Unless you’re really hot and there’s chemistry… but under no circumstances can it be sympathy sex (grudge fucking is okay though). Must know a tremendous amount of varying exercises and weight training techniques to help stave off the mundane routine of working out, which I never fucking liked as much as I do eating; there are so many delicious things to eat, and in so many wonderful combinations, it never gets boring. Must have all necessary workout equipment, if you know what I mean *snicker… snort* 

ahem… you know, like weights ‘n shit. 

Must enjoy the unknown as there’s no way I can commit to doing this every damn day. Look, I have a life, unlike some of you gym rats, so don’t expect me never to call you and demand we work out on a whim. Also, must like to shut up. You can’t talk too much, or at least, you must know how to hold a goddamn conversation and not go on an incessant monologue like a lot of people I know and avoid (so annoying). Must like cats. No, not because I’ll be bringing them to the workouts, but because I like to talk about them like they’re my kids, as that’s what middle-aged, childless, single women do. No, not really, I’m trying to fit into everyone’s stereotype for approval because I have low-self esteem. No, not really, I’m making a point: middle-aged women can’t get a break, whether we’re accused of  having low-self esteem, too many cats, for being chubby (okay, that part’s true), for being desperate, or having lost any interest in sex. Wait, I never said anything about being desperate!… and I still want sex, I’m just no longer willing to put up with bad sex! Which leads me to believe, men, of any age, who date younger women, do so because they know they can get away with giving them shitty sex because they think they don’t know any better. Not that I dated older men when I was younger, yuck… I didn’t want some old guy touching me! But in a sick twist of fate, now I do! I like those older men, find them attractive and want them touching me all over!

Younger men are not off the table though… just depends. 

Oh, and I can’t pay you anything, this has to be totally free because there’s one stereotype about single, middle-aged women that is unarguable; we generally don’t make a lot of money, and we certainly don’t get paid as much as men for doing twice the work, all while wearing high heels, might I add (or flats when we need to kick some corporate ass!) And more than likely, there’s been a male charmer… aka, freeloader, user, manipulator, narcissist… in our lives at one point or another who took advantage of us financially and otherwise. Ironic, since women are the ones who are constantly being called gold diggers. You do realize that phrase was attributed to the male gender, don’t you? Remember the ’49ers? No, not the football team, the actual gold diggers from the turn of the 19th century during the California gold rush? Yeah, them. Funny how things get turned around. Anyway, this ad is costing me a small fortune because I like to use words; big, small, intelligent, foul, you name it. 

If interested, call me at: 1-800-yourealonelypieceofshit 

 

38 Comments on “Personal Ad

  1. I’m glad to read both older and younger men are on the cards. I like to give myself that playing field – breadth as well. Oh, I tried that number you wrote, but I heard my alter-ego at the other end.

    Like

  2. A hot, quiet, cat loving, kama sutra versed, financially independent personal trainer of medium age with original equipment. Geesh. How hard can that be to find? You’ll be fighting them off with a stick.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You never cease to make me smile! Or laugh or gaffaw. Does anyone really guffaw anymore? No matter what, I always snicker…conspiratorially. Hey, wanna meet my cats?

    Like

  4. I’m 70 and have only four life threatening illnesses which is pretty lucky compared to my peers. I have $87.23 saved up in the credit union and my car started twice last week which is promising. I would like to go to the moving picture show. Haven’t seen Gone With the Wind yet. I don’t travel much. However, I did go to the shopping mall. Two years ago. I do have a steady retirement income but when the checks come in my children and grandchildren are pretty steady inquiring about it. I still pump iron so I’ll be a good trainer. One thing that puzzles me about the weights though is that 125 pounds weighs three times what it did forty years ago. Must be that global warming stuff. If you don’t write back in the next six months I’ll take the hint and introduce myself to someone else. Beatles Rule !

    Liked by 1 person

  5. How many applicants have you got so far? Will you at least feed them the stolen…I mean jam you made?

    Like

  6. I would add one little (hopefully not too little, if you get my drift) piece – said workout equipment must be in good working order. What good is weight-lifting equipment that won’t…er…lift?
    Other than that, a killer ad!

    Like

  7. I think you really might be onto something with why older men date younger women.

    I also believe that if the universe were playing fair, you’d get a 100 calorie credit for a good idea. It shouldn’t be rewarding only one kind of exercise.

    Like

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