All’s Wet That End’s Wet

I want to talk about the letter P, and I want to talk about the letter P as it pertains to the Pool.

In other words, I want to talk about P being in Pool.

My neighbors graciously offered me the use of their pool while they were away, which turned out to be a good time to do so because we were in the middle of a heat wave at the time. Yes, it’s a strange time to be in the middle of a heat wave, but I do live in Southern California, which is basically where the desert meets the C… or rather, sea.

I was really looking forward to taking a dip in the cool waters of their pool, but then something happened that really messed everything up for me. 

Kids. Screaming, dirty, loud, snot-nosed kids. 

When I got to my neighbor’s house, I saw kids in the pool. I mean, how gross!

Turns out, I wasn’t the only one invited. My neighbor also invited her daughter and grandkids to use it after she invited me… and of course, I got bumped. 

Shortly before I went over there, I had missed a text from my neighbor letting me know her grandkids were on their way over to go swimming, which was essentially her letting me know I was no longer invited to use their pool. It was an unvitation, which is the opposite of invitation. 

She didn’t exactly say that, but it was implied. She was essentially letting me know I shouldn’t be in the backyard because someone else was going to be there: Her grandkids. God forbid there might be a remote possibility I could infect them, which is ludicrous because no other living beings on this planet infects people with diseases more than kids. They’re germ carriers; all they do is infect other people with their sicknesses. 

Well, they annoy the fuck out of people also.

So first she says go ahead and use the pool anytime, but then she immediately takes it back so she can invite somebody else over that she clearly prefers over me. How two-faced can you be? I’m just grateful I was able to sneak over there after they left town to wash my car on their driveway a few days prior to this. Otherwise I would’ve had a dirty car and no use of a pool!

The mom and her kids ended up leaving after a short while, which was such a relief, ‘cause honestly, who isn’t relieved when kids leave? Anyway after they left I was about to walk over there for my swim when a thought entered my pretty little head… 

… the letter P.

You just know those little monsters pissed in their grandmother’s pool. Come to think of it, all pools have P in them. Otherwise they’d be called ools… *snicker snort* 

But seriously, all pools have pee in them because all pools have kids in them. Unless there’s an adult pool out there where kids are banned forever from using it. If there is, I’d love to know how to find it.

Because there should be one. 

There should be an adult pool completely segregated from kids… surrounded by a high fence topped with barbed wire… electrified… and a moat… with crocodiles in it… and then there should be a kids pool… off in the middle of a field somewhere… or between two freeways so any screaming noises they make is drowned out.

I probably shouldn’t use the word “drowned” in this situation but it just sounded so good.

Wasn’t that a thing at one point in time? A kids pool? Didn’t there used to be a kids pool separate from the adult pool where it was shallow and small and perfect for little pee monsters and when you walked by it, you noticed it wasn’t a pretty blue color like the adult pool, it was more of a green and had a strange odor that wasn’t really chlorine? What ever happened to those?

Anyway, I ended up just spraying myself with the garden hose… and washed my car again.



Published by Clever Girl

Intrepid writer, reader and comedian.

23 thoughts on “All’s Wet That End’s Wet

  1. Funny post, CG!

    I hate to break it to you though, but adults pee in pools too. One of my friends was telling me how she will never go into a pool with a swim-up bar when she is vacationing with her husband. She told me she sees men who spend literally the whole day in the pool drinking beer at the swim-up bar and don’t get out of the water until it’s time for dinner. And you know nobody has a bladder that big!

    I’ve never vacationed at a place with a swim-up bar but should I ever, now I will never go in one of those pools either!


  2. Yep, you have to watch out for warm spots…I think there are chemicals that detect pee…but yea…you don’t really need it…you know they will do it. Kids can and will test you.

    Speaking of kids…10 kids were invited (my wife invited them) to spend the night at our house on my son’s 9th birthday after a day with a rented water slide.

    10 boys going wild around 8 at night in our house…I told them if I heard any more noise I would hunt them down and gut them like a fish…after that ….no noise the rest of the night! One of the parents called me and asked me if I really said that…and confirmed they were quiet… Yes, they were…he then replied…good idea! Yea it was mean…but it worked.


  3. I am not sure how accurate this is but I once heard the stronger the chorine smell the better chance the pool has more than one p in it… it activates the cleaning agents that are in the water and that is why is smells stronger.


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